Photo credits: Caroline Watson
My husband, Deon, and I are a serodifferent couple, which means that one of us is living with HIV and the other isn’t. We met about six years ago in San Francisco. I’m relatively young, 26 to be exact, so I was very young during the height of the HIV epidemic. Perhaps that’s part of why I haven’t felt afraid of HIV. The other part is that, as someone who lived in the Bay Area since I was seven, who has had many gay male friends, some of whom are living with HIV, I knew that HIV is a chronic condition these days, not a death sentence. I know that if people living with HIV take their medications, they can live long, healthy, productive lives, and never develop AIDS.
After my husband disclosed his status to me, I did some research to find out what my risk would be if we had condomless sex. I found “The Swiss Statement,” which said that if the person living with HIV had achieved an undetectable viral load, they were much less likely to pass HIV to their partner(s). I encouraged him to start treatment, and he began getting his care at Ward 86 at San Francisco General Hospital. He was afraid at first, so I would go with him to his appointments and encourage him to take his medications.
He became undetectable pretty quickly, and we were both very happy. We had been together for about two years when I got pregnant. We had been having condomless sex, and my birth control had failed. I was actually happy, though, and so was Deon. We were very excited about the baby.
I made an appointment at the prenatal clinic at San Francisco General Hospital. At my first appointment, the midwife I was seeing asked me the usual questions: did I smoke, drink, use drugs, or have sex with someone who had HIV.
I said, “No to the first three, but my baby’s father is living with HIV.” The midwife gave me a very strange look and said she had to go talk to someone. When she came back, she was still looking at me like I was crazy. She told me she couldn’t see me anymore and that she was referring me to BAPAC (Bay Area Perinatal AIDS Center, now known as HIVE). I was happy about this, because I didn’t like the way she was acting towards me.
I got AMAZING care at BAPAC, the providers were wonderful. Deon and I got our care there together throughout my pregnancy. I was offered PrEP (a once a day pill to prevent HIV), but I wasn’t interested, because I felt like Deon having an undetectable viral load was enough protection for me (this method of prevention that we use is known as TasP, or Treatment as Prevention). Deon had his viral load checked every month, and I got an HIV test at the same time.
While I was in care at BAPAC, I met Shannon Weber, and Deon and I agreed to participate in some videos for men who have sex with women and for couples like us. The videos are Having a Healthy Sex Life and a Healthy Family, Adherence, and Disclosure.
Our daughter, Valerie, was born on February 15, 2013, at San Francisco General Hospital. I developed cholestasis during my last week of pregnancy, and had to get an induction. It took three days, and Deon stayed in the hospital the whole time with me. I had a pretty good birth experience, the only really rough part was between my water finally breaking and the epidural.
Now, Valerie is two and a half, and in preschool. Deon and I will have been together for six years in January, 2016. We’ve had condomless sex for almost the whole six years, and I’m still negative. We live in the East Bay, and I’m studying to become a social worker. I’m now the Social Justice and Communications Coordinator at HIVE (formerly BAPAC).
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Information and Resources from HIVE
As PrEP training and implementation roll out across the U.S., we are wondering how the 468,000 women who may benefit from PrEP are finding out about this new HIV prevention method, what they think about it, and what barriers remain. Applause for clinics who are routinely offering PrEP to women, including trans women. And applause for women who are thinking about what PrEP might be to them.
We are on a journey, learning and growing together. Want to share your #WheresMyPrEP story??Looking for a platform for your voice? Interested in helping others by sharing your story? We can work with you if you prefer to be anonymous. No professional writing skills necessary. Contact Caroline@HIVEonline.org.
See below for resources on PrEP.
New Study Shows PrEP is as Safe as Aspirin
Is PrEP Right for Me? A Guide for Women
Preventing HIV During Pregnancy/Breastfeeding: Using PrEP and/or PEP
I am HIV positive, my partner is negative. He has never used prep, and the whole three years we’ve been together, he’s STILL NEGATIVE FOR HIV. We have been having condomless sex right from the beginning because he’s educated and he knows I am undetectable and taking my meds daily. I have my own group on facebook for serodiscodant couples, and you and hubby are welcome to join. Much love and respect, and congrats on your beautiful baby girl!
Hi Shannon, it’s nice to *meet* you! Thanks for reaching out. 🙂 Please add me to the facebook group!
Come join my support group the voice of hiv
HI Shannon! As part of http://www.preventionaccess.org, we’re launching an Undetectable = Uninfectious campaign to empower people living with HIV and their partners with accurate information about their sexual and reproductive health. Shannon Weber is on our Founding Task Force. We’ve collected the best research and statements from doctors to confirm the risk of transmission between mixed status couples for vaginal and anal sex. The next step is to inform, especially since studies show that the large majority of people who are living with HIV in the U.S. do not know that with effective treatment they can become uninfectious. This information is critical as another incentive to go on treatment for the health of people living with HIV and their partners. I’d love to be a part of your group because I’m in a mixed status relationship, and for PAC we’ll be looking for spokespeople from other mixed status couples to share their stories.
Hello Shannon, thanks for sharing your couple. Please add me to your group.
I would like to invited to your group as well if possible I’m a HIV+ male with a hiv- wife
This gives me hope and makes me feel that I will no longer limit myself.
Hi Naimah! I’m so glad my story gave you hope! -Caroline
Wonderful story, Caroline! I admire your courage. Thank you a million times for sharing your story that will bring hope to mixed status couples everywhere that we can finally have sex without fear of passing on the virus to our partners. I’m certain there are many people with HIV who, like I was, are deeply concerned, anxious and fearful about having sex with partners who were negative. Even with condoms, I was always so nervous a condom would break (and they did) and felt diseased, dangerous and always putting my partner at risk. I didn’t realize until 2013 after I had been undetectable for three years that I could not transmit the virus.
It is still a difficult mind-shift to achieve because due to stigma, alarmist and an HIV-negative-centric world, the perceived health of the HIV negative majority is being far overprotected at the expense the emotional and sexual health of the HIV positive minority – and our partners. It’s easy to take the safe position (not based in science) that “there’s still a risk” when a partner is undetectable, which means we’re still a danger, still a threat, still infectious – while not qualifying that the risk is negligible or as close to zero as possible in science and there is no evidence in any of the studies that HIV can be transmitted when virally suppressed. I have lots of disturbing feedback from doctors who, despite being in agreement with the science, will not tell their HIV positive patients they are noninfectious . One doctor said that he was not sharing that information with his patients because they might stop taking their medication for various reasons and unknowingly become detectable — and transmit the virus. Another few doctors were concerned about promiscuity and the rise of other STDs. This is a violation of our human rights. We are entitled to make fully informed decisions — not to allow doctors, agencies and nonprofits to provide biased information in an effort to decide for us.
Some new info which I’m not sure I shared with you since we met in January — I had a meeting with Jens Lundgren in February at CROI 2016 and he shared that the PARTNER study had confirmed the risk of HIV transmission (not other STDs or unwanted pregnancy) with vaginal sex if the poz partner is undetectable is “negligible” (not less risk negligible risk), but they are still studying anal sex and believe that will also be negligible. The risk for anal sex based on PARTNER now is an infinitesimal fraction close to zero.
I also Skyped with Vernazza and he continues to feel strongly that the risk for both vaginal and anal sex is negligible. His 2016 update to the Swiss statement is so moving. http://www.smw.ch/content/smw-2016-14246/
The researchers as well as Myron Cohen confirmed that have been no incidents of transmission from an undetectable viral load; any reports were in early treatment before the viral suppression, from someone outside of the couple or due to treatment failure usually as a result of skipping doses.
The Undetectable = Uninfectious campaign we’re working on will move the dialogue from “less risk” to “non infectious” and other descriptions that no longer convey we’ve moved from a bomb to a smaller bomb, but we can actually no longer be a bomb! At the same time, we’ll always underscore adherence to treatment is critical to remain undetectable.
Sorry this is so long. I haven’t had a chance and possibly the courage to write about this publicly anywhere. I’ve written endlessly in proposals and 1sheets, and spoken to agencies, activists and donors, but my next step is to follow your lead and speak up in public soon! You inspire me!! Thank you! xx
Hi Bruce! Sorry, I did not see this til now. Thank you for your kind words, continued work, & great information.
Love,
Caroline